


I love you so much that I can't hate you, instead I'll hate myself

by GirlNightmare



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst and Drama, Bittersweet Ending, Decapitation, Deja Vu, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hallucinations, Hurt No Comfort, I love the movie but the message of "look, Kaworu loves Shinji and lets him be happy, M/M, Movie: Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time, Multi, Nagisa Kaworu Lives, Neon Genesis Evangelion References, Nightmares, Other, Past Character Death, Past Lives, Rebuild of Evangelion Sequel/Time Loop Theory, Recovered Memories, Repressed Memories, Self-Hatred, Spoilers for the last movie, Time Loop, Unrequited Love, but it doesn't mean he has to lie that he's happy too, shinji loves mari when they never made sense together" sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 19:22:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30043524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GirlNightmare/pseuds/GirlNightmare
Summary: Kaworu always had the feeling that something was missing, now that he knows the reason, there is nothing he wants more than death
Relationships: Ayanami Rei & Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Shinji & Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Shinji/Makinami Mari Illustrious, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	I love you so much that I can't hate you, instead I'll hate myself

The constant feeling of emptiness, as if something was missing, was always something that Kaworu felt, even when he had everything to begin with, he had the talent, charisma and a friend that anyone would want, in a way, she was the only one who could understand it they both felt out of place at some point in their own lives, they felt inhuman even when they were human, they both had endless headaches, and some of these pains carried memories with them. Sometimes he saw a piano in the distance, blurred, as if it were seen from a misted glass, others in a dark starry sky, the only thing that was always seen clearly, in the best days was the silhouette of a boy, he was thin and with black hair, but whenever he tried to see his face, it simply disappeared, leaving him with a stinging pressure on his chest, on the worst days, he didn't see anything but he could feel the pressure on his neck so real, like a rope, that it gradually closed on him, those days when he got up, he felt like he had no air, as if he were going to die right then and there. And that's how her life was since she had memory use, sometimes Rei could understand it, she said she felt that those memories were vaguely familiar, like deja vu, but far from that, she never said anything else. Kaworu was always fine with that, he felt that he did not want to know either, those memories seemed more painful than pleasant anyway and really, the only thing that was worth it was the blurry memory of that boy.

He had a good life, parents who loved him and even so, the hole lodged in his chest, only made him realize that something was missing, but he had everything and, even so, that feeling always found a way to wind and roll it. once again, as the years went by, the memories became less bothersome, the nature of habit. Over time, instead of memories, came the moments in which his body became erratic, memories that only his own body vividly remembered, like that day, when he was a child holding his mother's hand, walking through the park, he remembers as if it were yesterday that that day, he heard the piano for the first time, the feeling was unreal, as if that hole in his chest closed a little. From that day on, he began to practice the piano, he felt correct and vaguely familiar, he does not remember what happened next, but his mother always tells him that the first time he played, he did it as if he had been born with a piano in his hand. He says that he closed his eyes and played a song, it was an old song, nothing complicated, but it was strange, considering that he never played a piano, it was a surprise to know, Kaworu was a prodigy at the piano.

He had a best friend, the best he could ask for, Rei. She tells him things that he never paid attention to, she tells him that when they were children, he was strange, she says that, although any child was strange at that age, he specifically, it seemed that he did not know what it was to be alive, as if He was learning to be alive, not in the normal way, but as if he had never been human to begin with, but one day, he just stopped and as withdrawn as he was, Rei couldn't explain how from one day to the next, he had so many friends and admirers. She remembers him as a strange child who observed everything as if he had never lived there to begin with, until inexplicably he was no longer. Kaworu didn't speak, but the day he did, it was a surprise to know that he was actually excellent with words, everything he said felt fresh like a cool balm, her very presence felt angelic and Rei couldn't help but wonder when Kaworu went from being the boy who shouted from his house to hers, to see how he could move his arm to that boy that everyone admired and could win the favor of even the coldest.

Kaworu remembers that in his most private possessions he had a music player, he does not remember where or when he got it from, but he knows that the day he held it in his hands, he felt as if his heart was beating so hard that he had the feeling that he would die right there, he doesn't know why, but the first thing that came to his mind was the word "Shinji" and even without knowing what it meant, as he gently repeated that word, as if it were a mantra, he never stopped feeling that among all of them The things he ever said, this specific word, was the first and only time something made sense to him and even years later, that word still felt perfect to him, he could swear that among all things, the word "Shinji" It was his favorite in this world, his lifeline in times when he felt stressed and empty, just saying it caused the hole in his chest to feel momentarily full. The day he asked Rei about that word, she told him that it was a name and Kaworu made the decision to name that blurry face in his memories as "Shinji" and for a moment, he felt that hole close even more. 

The last memory that Kaworu has, was the breaking point, he remembers the vacation he had planned with Rei on his parents' farm, a little peace after so much practicing in his classes was just what he needed, his home was so far away that the only way to get there was by taking the only train that actually left the city and while he was waiting for Rei, something settled in his chest, the memories had long ago stopped flowing, sometimes he had brief flashes of familiarity when he was in certain places, but it was all, years ago he had already stopped looking for their meaning, because at the end of the day, disappointment was the only thing he received every time he did not find anything familiar to explain his memories, along with the overwhelming feeling of being the the only one who suffered from it. No doctor could help, they all said that in fact there was nothing wrong, he was someone healthy and that, although it was not harmful, anyone had explanations for why those memories were there.

Nothing had made sense for years.  
Until that day of his breaking point, it did.

Kaworu observed from the corner of his eye, a man sitting on a wooden bench and for the first time, he felt that everything fell into place, no more fragments too small to make the points, these were not missing fragments, they were the complete pieces. Shinji, the name that remained like a ring to that man even without knowing it, something in his soul told him that if there was a person in the world who had that name, it was him. And as soon as he blinked, thousands of memories exploded in his mind, after all he was always like a dam, always on the verge of collapse, but never enough to really explode, today he had broken. Everything fell into place just as it should, her stubborn soul refused to completely forget Shinji, after so many loops, he refused that in the only world where he didn't need to suffer anymore, it was the one where he won't remember Shinji after all. He was the one who always remembered it, this time it would be no different. Suddenly, he understood why he always felt so empty, so hollow, it was not because he was born like that, but because he was missing Shinji, his soul mate, now everything made sense, why Rei said that when they were children, Kaworu seemed like someone who never had been human, it was because he had never been in the first place, he was an Angel, the one sent to cause the impact that would destroy everything, now learning to live like a lilin, understanding the pain of not healing as quickly as when he was a Angel, his very soul learning to live as a mortal. He understood why he was a prodigy on the piano and why he played that song, it was the same song that in so many other loops he shared with Shinji in stolen moments before the disaster. The music player was his most precious object because it was tied to the memory of the first time Shinji smiled at him and truly trusted him as someone who would not hurt him. The pressure on his neck was nothing more than the memory of the times he gave up his existence for the happiness of Shinji, his mind did not remember, but his body did, that is why he always had his memories, his skin stood on end, like if he was afraid to repeat the same cycle, to die again and know that he once again ruined Shinji's happiness, but no longer in this world.

For the first time, he could feel that weight in his soul disappear, as if it could finally be released now that he remembered everything, what he refused to forget so much due to millennia repeating the same thing over and over again with the only same variant being Shinji , the only thing pleasing to remember amid so much pain and ruin, he, who made all his pain worthwhile and that all the lives lost were not in vain. His heart and soul screamed in tune, for him to run to him, that he will take the boy now as a man in his arms and that he will never let him go, since now they could be happy, in a world where there was the possibility of a dignified life to be lived, without death or evas, a life in peace. Before he felt master of his own body again and ran as much as he could, he saw Shinji and Mari interact, they seemed close, Kaworu wanted to tell himself, but he was many things, a fool was not one of them, he could tell so easily, they loved each other, after all he would recognize Shinji's gaze anywhere, so he planted his feet on the concrete and never felt heavier than when he continued to watch them both out of the corner of his eye, while something bitter settled where before there was pure happiness, the worst of truths.

In the only world where his deepest sleep became real, ironically it was the only one where he was not the happy one, Kaworu was not in any way selfish, and less if it was Shinji, he would always appreciate seeing Shinji's smile, knowing that he was happy as he always deserved, a world where he was happy because he had so much to be happy about, but also, there was the fact that he wasn't the one who made Shinji happy, it was Mari. She was the one who was with him, who probably accompanied him in his life to this day, she had what he could only wish endlessly in eternal loops lived constantly, she was who Shinji loved, and Kaworu never hated someone as much as her, but he appreciated the fact that she made him happy.

Even if he never wanted to accept it, Kaworu realized something.

Him was never Shinji's option.

Kaworu was Shinji's choice when he was depressed that even the slightest positive contact was considered heaven for the poor boy.

Him was his choice when the poor boy gave him his heart on a silver platter, only to be damaged so that in the end, by giving it to Kaworu, he would be the only one to treat him like the most fragile crystal among all.

Him was his choice when Shinji had nothing.

But he was never her choice when he could finally be happy, when he had self-esteem and things that he could only dream of before, when he finally had everything and more. It was not his option in a world where they could truly be fully happy, without a constant memory of an impact waiting to happen on any bad day. Kaworu was not his option, and if anyone ever asked him, he would say that the hole that was always in his chest could never compare to the crater that he now had in its place. Shinji didn't come for him, he simply assumed in his innocence that he could forget him and live a full life, without him. That he could even forget it in the first place, the feeling in his constricted chest felt like a fresh, stabbing wound. Kaworu only knows that this hurt will never go away, and the feeling that in the end, the only life where his dream is real, is the only one where his nightmare also resides, the same one that crawled like a thorn and settled in his heart, as if he had always belonged there, as if his home were there, hidden and waiting for the right moment to be present.

Kaworu knows best, he's not selfish, he never was and he never will be when it comes to Shinji and even as his entire being screams that he must hate Shinji for just letting him go and assuming that the silly idea that he could be happy without him, it was possible, but the real part of him knows that the thought itself is absurd, he would never hate Shinji for the simple fact that he loves him, deeply, so much that even when he was supposed to have forgotten, he didn't altogether. Plain and simple as it is, that is the one truth of which he will always be totally sure. Instead, Kaworu hates himself, because deep down he wants things to go back to the way they used to be, because at least there, he was an option for Shinji, he was his option, while here, he is alone. a memory and nothing more. At that time, he would hug him with love, while here, he just looks at him, probably later, just walk away, moving on with his life. Thus, it is Kaworu's love for Shinji, the one thing that would never change or forget no matter when the world tries to make him forget.

So he did what he always did best and the one thing that never really stopped or would never stop repeating himself no matter what kind of world he will find himself in, he sacrificed himself for Shinji.

Kaworu saw and felt death so many times that the very feeling was nothing but familiar, painful, but always familiar, but until the day his body turns to the same dust, he will swear that the way that day felt dying, he will never forget because it was etched into burning pitch in his soul, that even the other times he died for Shinji felt like heaven itself compared to this, as this day he really died alive. So Kaworu did what he always did best and smiled, seeing Rei approach him, he felt Shinji's gaze on him, and he just smiled, as he always did every time he saw him, he smiled like every time they played the piano together and they listened to music for long hours on the music player. And with that, he let Shinji go again, causing his soul to bleed and his body to feel like burning alive from the inside out and his eyes felt like a dam of water finally breaking. He smiled as he watched Mari and Shinji leave holding hands, seeing for the last time Shinji's smile, which was not even meant for him, believing that just like him, Kaworu also managed to be happy in a way that he could never be before. 

He couldn't think how ironic it was, that in the only world where he no longer had to die, it was the only one where he really want it to happens.

With inertia his feet moved as he followed Rei towards the train, his thoughts at a thousand per hour and the only one that made sense among the chaos itself was a prayer, that, if somewhere out there really was a God, who was willing to listen to him, that, for once, have mercy on his soul and that, in the next life, if there was one, he will leave him dead.

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't take my opinion as the truth, the movie is open-ended, you can believe what you want, what matters is that they are happy at last. This fanfic is only to write drama and vent according to what I saw was the end, but it all depends on each one :D
> 
> Kaworu loves Shinji so much that once again, he sacrifices himself for his happiness, but that doesn't mean he should pretend he's happy with how it all ended.
> 
> It's just my perspective, just because you love someone doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt that that person loves someone else and that you can't express pain for it.
> 
> Kaworu obviously lets Shinji be happy, because he's Kaworu xd but that doesn't mean he can't get angry, I mean, come on, he died a thousand times for Shinji so that in the end, not only will he never have a chance but also, so that the only one world where there is no more death, Shinji just let him go just like that, type "I'm happy kaworu, I'm sure you can live without remembering me, even when obviously we are soul mates. Let's go Mari to be happy with our ship that has no logic and is developed with closed eyes"
> 
> We all want to be a little selfish sometimes, even when we don't show it.  
> So obviously I'm upset, because "KaworuxDeath" makes more sense than that lol
> 
> Anyways, remember to leave comments and kudos.  
> Peace my kids.


End file.
